Boundaries are critical for overall wellness. We usually look externally and are tempted to blame others for our lack of boundaries, but boundaries are something we create within ourselves. Lack of boundaries in our lives can lead to, to self-sabotage, resentment, and anger because we’re not doing what we need to serve ourselves.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are clear limits that separate you from others.
When we don’t have clear boundaries it leads to resentment towards people. The real issue is a lack of boundaries we have within ourselves. This often goes back to a lack of boundaries in our childhood. When we don’t have the space to express our separateness in childhood, we often aren’t given the chance to express our authentic selves. Lack of boundaries inhibits true connection because we are not showing up as our authentic selves. Boundaries provide the space for us to develop and maintain authentic relationships. There three different types of boundaries rigid, loose, and flexible.
• Has few intimate/close relationships
• Has a chronic fear of rejection
• Overall, had a difficult time asking for help
• Is fiercely private
• Engages in compulsive people pleasing
• Defines self-worth by the opinions of others
• Has a general inability to say “no”
• Consistently overshares private information
• Is a chronic fixer/helper/saver/rescuer
• Is aware of and values their own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs
• Knows how to communicate needs to others
• Shares personal information appropriately
• Is consistently able to say “no” when needed and accepts others’ doing the same
• Is able to regulate emotions, allowing others to express themselves.
How to Create Boundaries
Step 1: Define the Boundaries
Examine the people and events in your life. How do they make you feel? How is your body responding to these occasions and relationship? This will give us a big indicator on where we need to set boundaries within our lives.
Step 2: Communicate Your Boundary
This communication is a communication within ourselves. In this communication we define why are creating the boundary. If you choose to communicate your boundary with another person, it is best to focus on fact and having the conversation at the right timing.
Step 3: Follow Through
Many boundaries are eliminated before they are even established. When you create a boundary, remember to understand the why. This will help us follow through with the boundary.
Step 4: Maintaining the Boundary
Resist the urge to defend or over explain yourself. It is completely normal to feel stressed as a result of the reaction of another person, but it is really important that once you set a boundary that you keep it.
Power of Saying “No”
You are always saying no to someone. We always have a choice as to who we want to to say no to. We can either commit or say yes to another person and build resentment because we neglected ourself to say yes to them or we can choose to say no to the other person and choose to say yes to ourself. In order to have healthy relationships, it is okay to say no to others.
Learning to say no is one of the kindest things that you can do for yourself and the ones you love.
Boundaries give us the ability say yes to the things that align with out goals and no to things that don’t serve us. Creating boundaries will serve as and incredibly helpful tool on our journey to healing. Here’s to putting one foot in front of the other and taking step one and defining boundaries in our lives.